Tools

A bit of humor. mostly swiped from a lot of places.

---


DRILL PRESS:
A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock
out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your drink
across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully
set in the corner where nothing could get to it.

WIRE WHEEL:
Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench
with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses
from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, "Oh, crap!"

SKILL SAW:
A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

BUFFER:
A portable device used to remove paint from around stubborn blemishes.

IMPACT WRENCH:
An air tool used to twist off bolts.

WRENCH:
A tool used to test the welding ability of your car battery.

PLIERS:
Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of
blood-blisters.

VISE-GRIPS:
Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing
else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to
the palm of your hand.

BELT SANDER:
An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into
major refinishing jobs.

HACKSAW:
One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle... It
transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more
you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH:
Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on
fire. Also, handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which
you want to remove a bearing !!! RUN !!!!!

TABLE SAW:
A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for
testing wall integrity.

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK:
Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your
new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

BAND SAW:
A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good
aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can
after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST:
A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to
disconnect.

PHILLIPS' SCREWDRIVER:
Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style
paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be
used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER:
A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted
screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms.

SCREWDRIVER (general):
A tool used to determine the puncture rating of your drivers seat.

PRY BAR:
A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed
to remove, in order to replace a .50 cent part.

HAMMER:
Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a
kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object
we are trying to hit.

UTILITY KNIFE:
Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered
to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl
records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks,
and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but
only while in use.

PIPE CUTTER:
A tool used to make pipe too short.

ROLLAROUND:
A mobile platform used to create bald spots and pinch fingers.

BREAKER BAR:
A tool used to find your weakest socket and extension.


--
DougW

Love it, all too true!

Mike
2000 Cherokee Sport
86/00 CJ7 Laredo, 33x9.5 BFG AT's, 'glass nose to tail in '00
'New' frame and everything else in '09. Some Canadian Bush Trip and
Build Photos: http://mikeromainjeeptrips.shutterfly.com

DougW wrote:
> A bit of humor. mostly swiped from a lot of places.
>
> ---
>
>
> DRILL PRESS:
> A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock
> out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your drink
> across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully
> set in the corner where nothing could get to it.
>
> WIRE WHEEL:
> Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench
> with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses
> from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, "Oh, crap!"
>
> SKILL SAW:
> A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.
>
> BUFFER:
> A portable device used to remove paint from around stubborn blemishes.
>
> IMPACT WRENCH:
> An air tool used to twist off bolts.
>
> WRENCH:
> A tool used to test the welding ability of your car battery.
>
> PLIERS:
> Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of
> blood-blisters.
>
> VISE-GRIPS:
> Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing
> else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to
> the palm of your hand.
>
> BELT SANDER:
> An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into
> major refinishing jobs.
>
> HACKSAW:
> One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle... It
> transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more
> you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.
>
> OXYACETYLENE TORCH:
> Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on
> fire. Also, handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which
> you want to remove a bearing !!! RUN !!!!!
>
> TABLE SAW:
> A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for
> testing wall integrity.
>
> HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK:
> Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your
> new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.
>
> BAND SAW:
> A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good
> aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can
> after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.
>
> TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST:
> A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to
> disconnect.
>
> PHILLIPS' SCREWDRIVER:
> Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style
> paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be
> used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.
>
> STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER:
> A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted
> screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms.
>
> SCREWDRIVER (general):
> A tool used to determine the puncture rating of your drivers seat.
>
> PRY BAR:
> A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed
> to remove, in order to replace a .50 cent part.
>
> HAMMER:
> Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a
> kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object
> we are trying to hit.
>
> UTILITY KNIFE:
> Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered
> to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl
> records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks,
> and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but
> only while in use.
>
> PIPE CUTTER:
> A tool used to make pipe too short.
>
> ROLLAROUND:
> A mobile platform used to create bald spots and pinch fingers.
>
> BREAKER BAR:
> A tool used to find your weakest socket and extension.
>
>
> --
> DougW
>
>

DougW,

The first time I read this, I laughed so hard I cried.

What about chisels, mitre boxes, ballpiene hammers, and plumbing yarning
irons and tops?

Coal chisel: Used to increase the diameter of a pool cue orifice in your
bridge hand.

Ken


DougW wrote:
> A bit of humor. mostly swiped from a lot of places.
>
> ---
>
>
> DRILL PRESS:
> A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock
> out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your drink
> across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully
> set in the corner where nothing could get to it.
>
> WIRE WHEEL:
> Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench
> with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses
> from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, "Oh, crap!"
>
> SKILL SAW:
> A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.
>
> BUFFER:
> A portable device used to remove paint from around stubborn blemishes.
>
> IMPACT WRENCH:
> An air tool used to twist off bolts.
>
> WRENCH:
> A tool used to test the welding ability of your car battery.
>
> PLIERS:
> Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of
> blood-blisters.
>
> VISE-GRIPS:
> Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing
> else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to
> the palm of your hand.
>
> BELT SANDER:
> An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into
> major refinishing jobs.
>
> HACKSAW:
> One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle... It
> transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more
> you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.
>
> OXYACETYLENE TORCH:
> Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on
> fire. Also, handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which
> you want to remove a bearing !!! RUN !!!!!
>
> TABLE SAW:
> A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for
> testing wall integrity.
>
> HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK:
> Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your
> new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.
>
> BAND SAW:
> A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good
> aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can
> after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.
>
> TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST:
> A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to
> disconnect.
>
> PHILLIPS' SCREWDRIVER:
> Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style
> paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be
> used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.
>
> STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER:
> A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted
> screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms.
>
> SCREWDRIVER (general):
> A tool used to determine the puncture rating of your drivers seat.
>
> PRY BAR:
> A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed
> to remove, in order to replace a .50 cent part.
>
> HAMMER:
> Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a
> kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object
> we are trying to hit.
>
> UTILITY KNIFE:
> Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered
> to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl
> records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks,
> and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but
> only while in use.
>
> PIPE CUTTER:
> A tool used to make pipe too short.
>
> ROLLAROUND:
> A mobile platform used to create bald spots and pinch fingers.
>
> BREAKER BAR:
> A tool used to find your weakest socket and extension.
>
>
> --
> DougW
>
>